My daughter is dating a chinese man

My daughter is dating a chinese man

In the past girls began pinning up their hair at the age of 15 to indicate they were eligible for marriage. Dating was virtually nonexistent. Girls mostly stayed at home and were rarely in the company of non-family members. In China it is not unusual to find women in their late 20s who have never had a relationship. In high school, we were not permitted to have boyfriends.

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Why are couples of Western women and Chinese men -- such as me and my husband -- so rare? My heart melted at that first sight of his big sesame-oil brown eyes. And I as I came to know him better, he didn't disappoint me. He always opened doors for me and wouldn't leave my side until he escorted me all the way to the entrance to my apartment. He helped me buy a bicycle at the secondhand market and even gave me a ride there on the back of his black metal bike. When I came down with the flu, he accompanied me to my therapy at the clinic and read to me from Chicken Soup for the Soul.

He even watched The Bridges of Madison County with me -- one of the weepiest chick flicks ever made -- and actually shed a few tears when it ended. He was more of a gentleman toward me than any other man I had ever known. When I thought about my burgeoning crush for Tian, I figured it was no different from that college semester when I studied in Spain.

All the American girls I knew liked flirting with the local Spaniards, and why not? The experience of being in a foreign country and culture somehow liberated us from our usual American expectations for men and dating itself. We could try new things. We could even reinvent ourselves and what it meant to be in love with someone. It seemed natural and normal to do the same in China.

I didn't know much about China back then -- a time when I could only communicate in Mandarin with a dictionary and lots of patience, and where my entire cultural knowledge was amassed from the library books on China I borrowed during the summer. But I figured surely I wasn't alone in my feelings. Surely the other female foreign teachers at my college had secret crushes of their own. On the streets of Zhengzhou, China, the city where I first had a crush on a Chinese guy. At least that woman wasn't as blunt as another colleague, who used to bicycle with me through the streets of Zhengzhou.

As we stopped on the corner of a side street and watched the mostly-male populous pedaling past us through the intersection, she grimaced. How could these women just write off all Chinese men as undateable? The question haunted me as I pondered my crush on Tian. But it wouldn't be the last time I would find myself up against these ideas.

As I continued to date the locals in China and eventually married a fellow from Hangzhou, I would come to realize that most expat women in China agreed with my Zhengzhou colleagues. And sometimes, their dislike was just shocking. A European woman I worked with in famously told me that, while she found all Chinese men completely repulsive, she considered Chinese children so adorable.

My husband posing with our nephew. I think they're both adorable. But some of my most fascinating and educative encounters with this idea of "Chinese men as undateable" happened online, when I came face-to-face with these opinions distilled into the cold, black-and-white reality of blog posts and expat forums. Back in , I discovered a post on a now-defunct blog authored by expats in Shanghai.

The post was written by a white American woman based in Shanghai and titled, "So, how's the dating scene? In the still, he's locked in an awkward slow-dance embrace with a girl an entire head taller than him, but that's not even the worst of it. While she leans her head on his in perfect contentment, he has his cheek buried in her bosom while staring at it with a prurient curiosity that surely would have snapped the girl out of her reverie.

At the time I was only beginning to learn about negative stereotypes of Asian men that American TV, movies and the media had perpetuated over the years: The woman who wrote that post never specifically said any of these things about local men in China, but she didn't have to. Long Duk Dong took care of that. Then again, her post appears downright classy in comparison to what I've read in the free-for-all world of anonymous expat forums across China. There was a brief time when I tried combing these forums in search of discussions about dating Chinese men, hoping to gain some insights, but I soon gave that up.

Whenever anyone dared to broach the subject, usually someone would quickly pounce on the thread and sully it with some juvenile comment about Chinese men that wasn't all that different from that Long Duk Dong movie still. The worst of these threads generally devolved into a low-brow, expletive-laden conversation more appropriate for a bathroom stall.

Whether in forums or blogs, the negative online discourse about Chinese men is consistent with Psychologist Zhang Jiehai's findings from surveys on "Chinese Men in the Eyes of Western Women" as reported by China's Xinhua News Agency in I provided an English translation on my blog. This Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences professor surveyed over Western women from diverse countries including France, Germany and the USA via questionnaires, and then interviewed over 20 of them in a focus group in Shanghai.

While respondents praised Chinese men for certain qualities -- "looking after one's family," "willing to spend money on women," and "relatively serious about relationships between men and women" -- the admiration ended there. Negative impressions ultimately dominated as the women criticized Chinese men as "not so gentlemanly," "poor physique, not enough exercise," "no personality, lacking unique opinions," even condemning them on perceived personal hygiene problems.

One American participant in the study actually blamed Hollywood for projecting a poor image of Chinese men around the world, and I couldn't help but wonder if she was thinking of Sixteen Candles at the time. Zhang's findings -- that Western women from around the world have consistently pejorative ideas about Chinese men -- remind me this isn't a problem confined to some insular expat circles in China. It's a troubling problem, one that even gets me and my husband down.

Look across East Asia or, for that matter, any country in the Western world, and you'll notice a very revealing gap in the Asian interracial dating world: A Field Report from Hong Kong. The result? A total of couples of Western men and Asian women versus only six couples of Asian men and Western women including him and his Brazilian wife. You could substitute Hong Kong with the name of any country or region in the world and end up with comparable results.

Even Chinese-American men don't feel the love from their fellow Americans, lamenting this in essays such as " Are Asian Men Undateable? In search of explanations for why so few Western women date Chinese men, some China expats have suggested cultural differences are the primary reason. I agree that culture plays a role when you're a foreigner in China dating the locals. I've experienced my share of cultural misunderstandings in my relationships in China, including my own marriage, and have even blogged about why it's actually harmful to ignore cultural differences in a cross-cultural relationship.

Yet when I think about the global reach of this problem, and the fact that it's even tough for Western-born Chinese to score a date outside of their own race, I know deep down that cultural differences -- as much as they matter in relationships -- cannot alone account for why few Western women date Chinese men. When I think about how a racist caricature from Hollywood gets tossed around among expats as a symbol of Chinese men -- and Westerners from around the world harbor consistently negative views of Chinese men -- I realize there's a dark side to this whole discussion.

So here's where the conversation gets a little uncomfortable. Whenever expats discuss racism in China, we usually focus on Chinese people and their racist attitudes such as the experience of being black in China. These are very critical discussions that we need and should continue to have. But what about the conversations about expats themselves and their own homegrown stereotypes and prejudices about Asians and Chinese people?

When will we as expats begin to confront these, our very own baggage that we inadvertently pack along with us in our overseas journeys to the Middle Kingdom? More importantly, when we will learn that in any given country and culture, there exists a diversity of individuals and personalities? That's true anywhere in the world, including China. Whenever someone dismisses China's entire male population as undateable, they're essentially denying that diversity.

And believe me, there is incredible diversity when you actually open your eyes and your heart to the possibility. I opened my eyes and my heart to the possibility of love in China, and found it with my husband, John. I'm reminded of the many love stories that Western women and Chinese men have submitted to my blog, giving me the honor and privilege to experience that on a personal level. There's the fun-loving fellow from Xi'an who described himself as a "foreign student turned party boy," the beefcake husband from Hebei she considered "China's answer to Arnold Schwarzenegger," the Shanghai-based writer from Anhui who studied English literature and mused about his unforgettable romances with black women in the US.

This fall marks 15 years since I first set foot in China. It's also 15 years since I first learned that most Western women in China refuse to date Chinese men. Yet a decade and a half later, I'm still pondering this issue. And I can't help but wonder how many decades it will take before it's no longer an issue for expats in China. Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you.

In September -- my first month in China -- I had a huge crush on a guy. He was Chinese, a man named Tian who grew up in Zhengzhou. Or so I thought, until one day when I was sharing lunch with my colleagues. Real Life. Real News. Real Voices. Help us tell more of the stories that matter from voices that too often remain unheard. Canada U. US News. World News. Social Justice. Donald Trump.

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BEIJING — You are a young Chinese man whose father tells you the most important skill his future daughter-in-law must have is caring for her. When June Ding goes on a date with a Chinese man, she hikes up the virgin factor. Daughters, like sons, are expected to perform the ultimate act of filial piety.

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They glance at you, maybe even smile for a second, then carry on with their conversation.

Why are couples of Western women and Chinese men -- such as me and my husband -- so rare? My heart melted at that first sight of his big sesame-oil brown eyes.

Yes, Chinese women say, dating foreign guys is “dangerous,” but not in the way Beijing says

Email Address: Shanghai Email: Dating anywhere in the world that is not your home country, you are bound to find some cultural differences and experience culture shock. Depending on where you come from, Chinese culture is probably very different to what you are used to. Or, indeed, other expats living in China from different countries other than your own.

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Living abroad gets lonely. So I tried to go out. I dated a guy from mainland China for one month and I also went on a date with a Taiwanese one. The cross-cultural social experiment dint turnout very well. Actually, the result is purely disappointing. Why having boyfriend in Taiwan simply sucks? Apart from that, giving compliments also has some rules. I really, really wished my companion would have stayed in safe waters of clothing or such.

There are many myths and stereotypes when it comes to dating asian guys. Some are completely outlandish and some are, well, a little more spot on.

We're on their trail, and we've got many fresh leads to chase down — please support our work. Jin Xing is a progressive icon, and the first person to openly undergo gender reassignment surgery in China.

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The men who harass me know three things: You hate Asian men, they insist; you hate your own child. You hate yourself. I save these messages in a folder on my computer to document the abuse. Whenever I upgrade my laptop, I copy them over, little packets of poison I must keep and carry forever. It was a moment when Asian-Americans were celebrating as a community, yet here was a hate message plummeting out of the blue into my inbox. And like most of the harassing messages I receive, it came from an Asian man. In frustration, I shared the message on Twitter, and most people were appalled. Targeted harassment from Asian-American men toward Asian-American women over choosing a non-Asian partner or having multiracial children, I discovered, is widespread, vicious, and devastating. For instance, actress Hana Wu was targeted on Twitter after she tweeted a film trailer in which her character has a relationship with a white man, and she soon began receiving misogynistic messages on Instagram. Another reads: Other times, the implied violence is more subtle.

Shanghai marriage market

Walk down any street or into any bar in China and you will see the oh-so familiar sight of foreign men with Chinese girls. Go on any internet forum and you will be able to access myriad conversations and threads extolling the trials and tribulations of Western men dating Chinese girls. But what if we flip it the other way round? Fe Ilya. The sight of a western woman with a Chinese man is, although admittedly more and more commonplace, still a relative rarity, and the information and advice available to Western women who are seeking to date Chinese men is still comparatively scarce. So scarce, in fact, that Jocelyn Eikenburg, an American who has been married to a Chinese man for several years, has written a successful blog , and even been interviewed by the BBC about this "phenomenon".

Vancouver's Asian men fear women prefer white guys

Asian men in Canada often fret that the laws of supply and demand are working against them when it comes to hooking up with the right woman. Are men with Asian ethnic origins justified in feeling anxious these racial preferences are actually operating in North American dating? Ronald Lee , founder of a relationship service for Asian men in Metro Vancouver, believes Chinese, Japanese, Korean and other men with East Asian roots who make these complaints are looking for excuses to avoid facing their social awkwardness. Ronald Lee believes many Asian men in Canada have trouble facing their social anxiety. The ideal?

BEIJING — You are a young Chinese man whose father tells you the most important skill his future daughter-in-law must have is caring for her home and family. Your mother rejects a year-old woman as your potential mate because she may be too old to bear children. A Weibo page for the show has been visited million times, and the first three episodes had more than million views online. Dating shows are not new in China. Although arranged marriages were discouraged after the fall of the last imperial dynasty in and banned by the Republican government in the s, Chinese millennials, often portrayed as the excessively indulged and protected products of the one-child family policy, now find themselves yielding to parents who are ready to provide them with everything, even a spouse. Zhang Tianshu, a year-old woman from Shenyang who appeared on the show in January, said none of her previous boyfriends had satisfied her mother. Zhang said in an interview. Fortunately, she found someone she liked on the show, and her parents liked him, too.

Women in urban China are better educated and wealthier than a generation ago. But, as Roseann Lake discovers, their success often counts against them in the marriage market. When June Ding goes on a date with a Chinese man, she hikes up the virgin factor. Instead of wearing a low-cut top and necklace, she stows away her cleavage and dons a demure sweater and scarf. During the course of the evening she is careful to let the man do most of the talking, to appear interested in everything he says and to react with sufficient wonder to ensure that he is comfortably marinating in his own ego at all times. This proves somewhat challenging for the year-old Beijinger, who is no shrinking violet. Animated, affable and razor sharp, she graduated at the top of her high-school class and then left China to study at Yale, where she earned a BA and a graduate qualification in law.

The tradition of Chinese parents having a say in their kid's love life can wreak havoc on a cross-cultural relationship even before it really gets off the ground. Bruno Dubois, a year-old Frenchman, was not surprised when news broke on October 9 that Chinese pop singer Zhang Liangying's mother strongly opposed her marriage. Her parents did not want a foreigner for their son-in-law. He met his Chinese ex-girlfriend, Sophie Li, in when he was reading for his bachelor's degree at a university in Beijing. From the beginning, Li had always hesitated about whether to tell her parents about him because she was afraid her parents would not be okay with the relationship. It took her about two months to muster up enough courage to tell her parents about her foreign boyfriend, and it did not go well.

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