Im dating a guy but im a lesbian
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Am I a Lesbian If I Have an FTM Partner?
If you're a woman who is sometimes sexually attracted to other women, but you've only had romantic relationships with men, then you already know that queer women who have only dated men come across their own set of struggles and insecurities. Of course, I'm by no means trying to compare the struggles of queer women like myself to the vast amount of bullshit that gay, lesbian, and transgender individuals experience in our society though you can also be a trans queer woman who's only dated men.
I mean, I've come across blatant disapproval of my queerness before, and people have certainly doubted my sexuality just because of my lack of experience with women — but being a queer woman who's never dated men has never put me in danger, or kept me from being served at a restaurant, either. That said, being queer and inexperienced comes with its own set of challenges. In my experience, queer women who have only dated men often feel like their inexperience with women somehow makes their sexuality less legitimate, and it can cause all kinds of unpleasant insecurities and self-doubt.
In fact, for me personally, my lack of experience with women is part of the reason why it's taken me this long to start writing openly about what it's like to be a queer woman. Even now, I sometimes still feel like my lack of dating experience with women gives me no right to talk about what it's like to be queer, but I'm starting to realize that's a waste of energy, because I am. Perhaps you can relate. Here are nine things queer women who've only dated men understand.
I'm not saying every person you talk to about your total lack of dating experience with women is going to doubt your sexuality because of it. In my experience, though, at least some of the people you choose to share this information with will respond in disbelief. They might show it by saying something like, "OK, so you're just curious then," or "Oh, so you just haven't decided on a gender. However they showcase their doubt, it always sucks to be disqualified from your own queerness just because you've only dated men.
I'm sure this isn't the case for all queer women who have strictly dated dudes, but it was definitely the case for me. Although I can remember having crushes on women from as far back as pre-school, hello, Hallie Berry's character in The Flinstones. I mean, that leopard print costume though? Before my twenties, and especially before I ever fooled around with a woman, I used to say, "I can appreciate the beauty of a woman like I do the beauty of a painting," and other things that weren't really true.
It makes me laugh now, but as you likely already know, coming to terms with the fact that your sexuality is more flexible than you thought it was is kind of scary. Maybe he said it in jest — but if you're a queer woman who's only had boyfriends so far, then at least one of those guys commented that your attraction to women meant he had to deal with "twice the competition" for your affection.
One of my former boyfriends said this to me more than once. He always seemed to be joking — and I thought it was kind of cute at the time — but it would really bug me to hear it now. If you're anything like me, then when you're really into someone, there is no competition. Personally, any man who would see my sexuality as a threat to our relationship is not the kind of guy I want to date in the future.
I'm insecure enough about my sexuality without dating someone who's insecure about it, too. I don't know if every queer woman who's only dated men dealt with this when they were growing up, but I sure did. People spread rumors that I was gay at my childhood church just because I'd expressed doubt over whether I'd end up marrying a man when I grew up. Some of my family members thought I was gay just because, until high school, the color pink sickened me, I hated dresses, and I ran around in bare feet, baggy t-shirts, and cut-offs.
Plus, I've called myself a feminist for as long as I can remember, and unfortunately, that's sometimes branded me as a "man-hater. Once, a guy friend of mine who wanted to sleep with me asked me if I was "into the ladies, now? Hell, even after I'd dated a couple of guys, and started dressing more "feminine," some of my friends and family members still questioned my sexuality because I went through pixie cut phases and enjoyed dressing up as cool dudes — like Captain Jack Sparrow, Ringo Star, and James Dean — at costume parties.
I don't know if they could just tell I was queer before I could or what, but I doubt I'm the only queer woman who can relate to frequently having her sexuality labeled — and labeled incorrectly — when she was growing up. I'm sure there are some queer ladies out there who have never had a girlfriend, or even gone on a date with a woman, who still aren't that insecure about their lack of experience with women.
I, however, am not one of them. I feel like I'm not alone in this insecurity, either. If it took you as long to embrace your queerness as it took me, though, then rest in the knowledge that your current lack of experience with women is just part of the journey. Fortunately, inexperience can be remedied if you want it to be. Check out this guide on how to explore being with a woman for the first time. And even if you're already settled down in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship and as such gaining experience with women is currently off the table , you shouldn't feel like your lack of experience with women makes your queerness any less valid.
Maybe you are super into having threesomes with your boyfriends, and as such, this assumption doesn't bother you. If that's the case for you, awesome! Personally, though, when I come across this assumption, it bugs me a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against threesomes; but just because I'm queer doesn't mean I'm not monogamous in my relationships. Since I'm attracted to both men and women, I can understand why some people automatically assume I dig threesomes. Honestly, I wouldn't mind experiencing a threesome myself under the right circumstances.
I mean, when I watch porn, threesomes with two girls and one guy are generally what I prefer to see because the women get to experience each other and also enjoy having sex with a dude. That said, when I'm in a relationship, I like for that relationship to be monogamous as hell. So when people automatically assume that queer women are just naturally down to invite other women to have sex with their boyfriends, it irritates me.
If you're also monogamous and sexually interested in both men and women, then you probably get where I'm coming from. I can't speak for all queer women, but I've always been this way. And since I moved to NYC? Forget about it. I'm practically the heart-eye emoji in human form. There's just so many beautiful women to admire here that I can't help myself. So many handsome men in suits, omg. I just can't help but look at attractive women more.
Maybe I look at women more than men because I have less experience with women; maybe it's because our society sexualizes and objectifies women more. Or maybe it's just because I know that if a girl catches me looking at her, she'll usually just smile or ignore me completely — whereas if a guy catches me, he'll probably try to talk to me. Whatever it is, though, I definitely check out women more often than I check out men. My gay and lesbian friends have had to go through so much more crap to accept their sexuality, and they've already experienced way more discrimination than I probably ever will, so I often worry that they — and the LGBTQA community in general — will see me as just another straight girl who's looking for attention.
I'm sure this says more about my own insecurity than their feelings, but I also don't think I'm the only queer woman who worries about this. When I meet other women who can relate to being queer and inexperienced, I pretty much want to be best friends immediately. It's just so nice to have a few friends who truly understand where I'm coming from. Plus, you know, that whole wing-woman thing comes in handy, too. Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Way , which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.
By Elizabeth Enochs.
On our first date, Avie and I met at a restaurant in Carroll Gardens, his neighborhood. We sat at the bar, ordered wine and tapas, and talked. I've identified as lesbian/gay/queer for a long time now, and coming out was . I' m not saying women who date men in straight contexts can't or.
A few weeks ago, I found myself unintentionally out on a date with a man I'd assumed was gay - again. We hear a lot about women who yearn for gay men, who foolishly choose to believe that the objects of their affection are straight against all evidence to the contrary. It's the stuff of comedy and farce and Cathy comics. But I have the opposite problem.
The Joy of Dating Gay Men. But there's a male equivalent to this, and it's one I know all too well.
Being queer just fit me. It fucking sucks! How does one successfully navigate such a dramatic shift in a long-held and cherished identity?!
In a straight relationship but I think I'm gay
Today, a reader, who has always liked girls, finds herself crushing on a guy. What should she do? I'm twenty years old, and I'm a lesbian. I recognize that there are some gorgeous boys out there, but I've never felt anything for them--and I've totally had feelings for girls. I came out when I was sixteen and dealt with drama from my parents and "friends.
Ask a Queer Chick: I’m a Lesbian and Married to a Man I Don’t Love. What Do I Do?
A straight-identified teen wonders if having an FtM female to male transgender partner means that she is a lesbian.
All rights reserved. Personally, two years into my first-ever lesbian relationship, I'm very happy to take the time to acknowledge the amazing lesbians out there in the world — my girlfriend included. And, as someone who has had sex with women but only dated men before this relationship, I appreciate being in a lesbian relationship all the more.
Reader's Dilemma: "Help! I'm a Lesbian, But I'm Falling For a Guy!"
I married my husband for many fabulous reasons, but sexual satisfaction wasn't one of them. During this past summer I had what I would call a sexual awakening. After reading the "The 50 Shades of Grey" trilogy it was as if my libido had finally awoken after 20 years and I had the sex drive of a year-old boy. The desire to be with a woman was all I could think about and so I went for it. The first and only experience I had with a woman can only be described as spiritual. I felt a connection with her that I have never experienced with any man. It was so natural and so beautiful and I felt complete. I have begun to see women differently. I am noticing beauty in them that a year ago I never would have noticed. I am wondering if my eyes and my mind have finally been opened to the way in which I was intended to be. Was it my upbringing and societal pressures that kept me from being who I truly am, a lesbian.
I Came Out As a Lesbian — And Then Fell in Love With a Man
In the early nineties, Dan Rothenberg was having a gay old time—literally. The woman happens to be his wife. Rothenberg and Colleen Crabtree, both 35, met seven years ago. Although it took about a year to admit to himself that his Castro days were over, one incident stands out. For Andrew Brin, who grew up in Milwaukee, it was all about girls—until he had sex with a guy at the end of his senior year of high school. In his early thirties, Brin started dating a man and came out to his brother.
Married to a Man for 23 Years and Now I think I’m a Lesbian
If you're a woman who is sometimes sexually attracted to other women, but you've only had romantic relationships with men, then you already know that queer women who have only dated men come across their own set of struggles and insecurities. Of course, I'm by no means trying to compare the struggles of queer women like myself to the vast amount of bullshit that gay, lesbian, and transgender individuals experience in our society though you can also be a trans queer woman who's only dated men. I mean, I've come across blatant disapproval of my queerness before, and people have certainly doubted my sexuality just because of my lack of experience with women — but being a queer woman who's never dated men has never put me in danger, or kept me from being served at a restaurant, either. That said, being queer and inexperienced comes with its own set of challenges. In my experience, queer women who have only dated men often feel like their inexperience with women somehow makes their sexuality less legitimate, and it can cause all kinds of unpleasant insecurities and self-doubt. In fact, for me personally, my lack of experience with women is part of the reason why it's taken me this long to start writing openly about what it's like to be a queer woman.
But the real question is, how can you tell if she's NOT a lesbian? Don't fret, my confused little lez. You're in the right place. I'm a pretty talentless, year-old lesbian, who struggles with many things in life. I'm overwhelmed by menial tasks, like responding to text messages and listening to voicemails. I still screw up "than" and "then" much to the dismay of my editor. But you know what I'm amazing at? Being able to tell if a woman is not a l-e-s-b-i-a-n.
So why do so many of my fellow lesbians, myself included back in the day, occasionally consider or excitedly jump in to a night filled with dude penis? Especially when they manufacture plenty of beautiful, technologically advanced, detachable lady penises? Well, let me see if I can shed a little light on the subject. Being a lesbian is intense. Relationships with women are intense. A way to have companionship and sex without the expectation of a deep, meaningful romance.
Last spring, I fell deeply, deliriously, overwhelmingly in love. We have a Simpsons quote handy for every occasion. Our shelves are filled with books of poetry. We love dogs and are ambivalent about cats okay, we hate cats. Our communication is open and direct, and as a result, we have never harbored resentment or had a serious conflict.When A Lesbian Dates A Man...